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bid my blood to run

  • Apr. 15th, 2009 at 4:22 PM


sunday is church we watched a montage of scenes from the passion of the Christ
they paired the movie with the song 'bring me to life' by evanescence
i've ALWAYS hated that song
until i listened to it in that context


Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.

All this time
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.

Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul

Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life.



for the first time in my life
i'm starting to feel like an entire person
i think a good part of that is thanks to my church recovery group
i'm a very logical person
not sure really how to tell this in the way that kris did
but he changed my entire perspective with this

the Christian thing to do with your problems
is to 'give them to God'
but as kris explained
his personality wont allow him to just vanish these problems into the air
we get into the habit of storing that stuff away
compartmentalizing
giving things to God
then taking them back
mistakenly thinking that we can control them more than He can
so what do you do?
leave them at the cross
unpack your bags
take out your problems
your 'hurts, habits and hang ups'
empty your closets
and leave all that pain at the cross with Jesus

somehow being able to visualize holding my problems
taking them out of my head
out of my heart
and laying them down in front of Jesus
and walking away
leaving them with Him
puts it all in a new light for me

Wake me up.
Wake me up inside.
I can't wake up.
Wake me up inside.
Save me.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Wake me up.
Bid my blood to run.
I can't wake up.
Before I come undone.
Save me.
Save me from the nothing I've become.

Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life.

feeeelings. nothing more than feeeeelings.

  • Apr. 3rd, 2009 at 9:41 AM

so i got my bestie (luv ya j!) to hijack my lj for a while
she went in and changed my password to lock me out of it
because i didnt have the will power to keep myself from browsing thru writings to a certain boy
which kept me in a sad state constantly

but now i think i'm finally REALLY getting over the situation
some...92 days since we've had a functional conversation
if you even consider him telling me he would 'never' come back to me because he was high
a functional conversation

sidenote:
i'm proud of myself for having to get out a calender and add up the days
somewhere in the past couple weeks i lost count
i used to know off the top of my head

baby steps
baby steps

anywho
i'm back now
i'm over it enough to contain my craziness :)
and not get upset over old stuff
so i'm returning to lj

and to all my letter writing communities
with a renewed faith
in love
in life
in fate
and happily ever afters


i like a boy :)

Feb. 5th, 2009

  • 8:36 AM


i'd never been there before
but the way the lights danced off the river made it beautiful
knowing that we were hidden in a secret place where no one would ever think to look for us
made it damn near romantic, despite how cold it was outside

on the ride home
the car next to us revved their engine at the red light
you pretended not to notice as we continued in coversation
but when the light turned green
you left them in the dust

as we pulled into my driveway
you told me not to get out yet
and walked around to open my car door for me
then gave me a hug

and i walked upstairs
carrying the pink roses you got me because you knew they were my favorite color



you're 23
with no tattoos
and no desire to ever get one
and i'm willing to take a shot in the dark
and guess that you've never owned a guitar
nor can you play one
you are nothing of my type
but those guys kept ending catastrophically

so i guess we'll see

wow God has a sense of humor

  • Jan. 13th, 2009 at 2:18 PM

one of our female parts delivery people just brought a part in to me
and saw the picture of zi sitting on my desk
remarked about how cute he is and asked his age
'a year and a half' i told her
'oh, that your only one?' she asked
'yep'

'don't you think it's time for another one?'
my face hit the floor when she said that
i laughed it off
'gotta have two' she said as she walked out the door



thanks

Jan. 13th, 2009

  • 1:06 PM





there was a line where there shouldnt have been



oh god, the aftermath

dear james,

  • Jan. 5th, 2009 at 8:40 AM

i hope your drugs write you letters while you're in jail


asshole

how [in]convenient

  • Jan. 2nd, 2009 at 2:26 PM

for the first time
in my entire history of relationships


i dont remember dates of anything
i've tried reading my own journal to get some sort of idea
but apparently i write some cryptic shit :)

so i guess i'm left here to wonder
why i gagged while brushing my teeth
and contemplate moving my desk into the bathroom because i pee so often i'm making a trail in the tile


i'm convinced God has a sense of humor

too many swear words to put in a community...

  • Dec. 31st, 2008 at 2:03 PM

i cant believe i defended your dumb fucking ass when everyone said you werent shit
i cant believe i laid in the floor and cried for two hours in front of a bunch of strangers at dustin's house
i cant believe i really thought you were being a fucking friend. to either of us.
i cant believe you think he was your friend
i cant believe i'm still fucking trying
i cant even hate you properly
i question what your intentions were
after this, it cant ever go back. i think that's why i'm grasping at straws.
i still dont believe you were lying

Dec. 30th, 2008

  • 11:45 PM

i cant do this anymore



i'm giving up



what you do on your own time's just fine
my imagination's much worse





it was all a lie anyway

Dec. 30th, 2008

  • 11:04 PM

one

i was sitting at the computer in my mom's living room
not doing anything other than staring off into space as my little boy played
we were the only ones there and i was letting him get into things he probably shouldnt
when he walked over and handed me something
i extended my hand and gently took it from him without missing a step
and said the same 'thank you' i always do
when he hands me random things
it wasnt until i was walking over to the bookshelf to put it where it belonged that i glanced at the cover
the title was written in thick blue letters
[the book of james]

two


i was riding shotgun to rincon with my sister
walmart hopping is a ritual of ours
used as an excuse for long talks about everything and nothing
we came to a stop at one of the last red lights before reaching our destination
 i turned my head to say something and noticed the boy driving the car to our left
my heart sunk
for a split second
i thought it was him
in the blink of an eye
my sanity (and eyesight) returned
i shook my head and chuckled at how irrational i'd become
the light turned green
and as the car sped off
the tag sent my heart racing once again
[jameson]



three


to fully understand this portion
one would need a little more backstory than what i'm willing to give
so take it at face value
and assume that what you are going to assume is correct
(yes, i reread that. i know that it says)
on sunday
my mom decided to switch things up
and work her sunday school shift first service and attend church second
i didnt know this in enough advance to switch mine as well
so i ended up sitting alone during the first service
being by myself at church always makes me feel weird to begin with
but once the pastor started talking
the feeling that it was directed solely at me was overwhelming
from the book of Matthew:

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

 37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

 40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'



this is why i cant give up
not yet anyhow
everytime i let myself consider it
God sends a sign to put me back on track
this boy is my fate
and it isnt finished
i may never know why
i may not even realize when i do get over it
my mom says one day i will just look back and notice that i wasnt sad for a minute during that day
another day i will find two minutes that he isnt on my mind
but for some reason
right now
i'm not letting go



'everyone claims to have faith
but when someone says God is trying to tell them something
people automatically say they're crazy
joan of arc was burned at the stake for believing God was talking to her.'


well j, i'm not joan of arc
but light a match
cuz i'm listening



 

Dec. 30th, 2008

  • 3:23 PM

i dont know if i should act like i'm ok


or show that i'm hurt

this is fucking stupid

Dec. 30th, 2008

  • 2:48 PM

i'd like to make an addition to my new year's resolutions



1. no drink
2. no sex
3. forget you




i'll start on thursday
  • Mood: sad

fuck

  • Dec. 30th, 2008 at 2:27 PM

i think i'm willing to try anything
to make me stop missing him




it is completely irrational to hold on to something that isnt there
to have one sided feelings
i dont want to give up



ugh
i'm so indecisive

EDIT:
i just noticed the humor in the fact that i'm willing to try anything to stop missing him
except
call him
which could potentially make me stop missing him
or it could crush me

i'd rather not ask if he meant all the things he said
ignorance is bliss, right?

ugh
whatever

Dec. 30th, 2008

  • 2:03 PM

maybe i've got this all wrong
maybe i need to lose the last thing i have left of him
in order to get over him






hmm...
i'm going out wednesday night
which i just realized is tomorrow night

we shall see
we shall see

horrorscope

  • Dec. 30th, 2008 at 8:52 AM

You surprise yourself by showing someone how you really feel, or maybe by revealing an odd interest that others don't really understand, the good news is that the response is just about perfect.

you,

  • Dec. 30th, 2008 at 8:28 AM

i think a small part of me is trying to become something i'm not
to fit in with your lifestyle
because then maybe you'd want to work things out
yes, yes
i know how ridiculous that sounds
i cant remember what you smell like
and only ever so slightly how your lips taste when they're pressed against mine
i called you the other night
completely unsure of what i would say when you answered
i just wanted to hear your voice
but i didnt have to decide
because you never did
i've heard some pretty shitty stuff about you over the past few days
dustin gets more pissed every time i tell him i dont care
apparently i am a prime example of why nice guys finish last
since there are so many out there and i'm still stuck on 'an asshole that fucked around on [me]'
and a long list of other sordid details i could have gone without hearing
i argued with him that we obvious know two different people when it comes to you
'no, i know every inch of [him] and aint none of it ever been good'
that's just proof that he doesnt see the same thing
i dont care who you are to everyone else
i know who you are to me
i see who you could be
if you'd only let yourself
you'll get there though
it's just a matter of time
i believe in you :)
and i love you
in spite of all the less than flattering things i've heard


it's the rest of the world that doesnt know you
 

Dec. 30th, 2008

  • 8:02 AM

writing here is helping me sort things out in my head
so i think i will continue to do so
it'll also be a nice log of the rollercoaster that is my life


last night my dad asked me to go get sugar to make tea
i was asleep at the moment and said i'd get up and do it later
so when 11 o'clock rolled around and i was getting ready to go to walmart
it was no fault but my own
i had locked my truck for the first time in ages because it was parked by the side of the road
as i fidgeted with my keys in the dark
i suddenly found myself with a terrible feeling
i am not alone
i dont know what it was but i couldnt shake the feeling of being watched
i walked through walmart with eyes wide
everyone was watching me
everyone had a motive
i held my cell phone close
and realized that i have lost my mind

my dog barked outside for an hour after i got back home
but i didnt dare stick my head out the door to see if anything was out there
  • Mood: nervous

Dec. 29th, 2008

  • 4:54 PM


damn
it isnt even thursday and i'm already rethinking this
[for the second time nonetheless]
maybe i'll just make the most of the next three days :)

my new year's resolutions

  • Dec. 29th, 2008 at 4:40 PM


1. no drink
2. no sex


there's only one exception but it's not someone something to worry about
it's like j pointed out
if i can say no to gucci
i must be serious
cuz damn
(and i mean damn)
but i didnt
because i guess part of me feels like whenever i get with someone else
i'll lose all that's left of him
yes, i have lost my mind
no need to ask
i even went so far as to change my number
because i was tired of being bothered by anyone else
ok ok
it was also because i couldnt make myself stop texting a certain someone and undoubtedly making things worse
and i was still half drunk and very unappreciative of the texts i woke up to
now i'm rambling

i had a terrible morning

Dec. 29th, 2008

  • 4:27 PM

this is the song you hear when you call my phone now :)


She left without leavin a number
Said she needed to clear her mind
He figured shed gone back to austin
cause she talked about it all the time
It was almost a year before she called him up
Three rings and an answering machine is what she got

If youre callin bout the car I sold it
If this is tuesday night Im bowling
If youve got somethin to sell, youre wastin your time, Im not buyin
If its anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do
And p.s. if this is austin, I still love you

The telephone fell to the counter
She heard but she couldnt believe
What kind of man would hang on that long
What kind of love that must be
She waited three days, and then she tried again
She didnt know what shed say,
But she heard three rings and then

If its friday night Im at the ballgame
And first thing saturday, if it dont rain
Im headed out to the lake
And Ill be gone, all weekend long
But Ill call you back when I get home
On sunday afternoon
And p.s. if this is austin, I still love you

Well, this time she left her number
But not another word
Then she waited by the phone on sunday evenin
And this is what he heard

If youre callin bout my heart
Its still yours
I shouldve listened to it a little more
Then it wouldnt have taken me so long to know where I belong
And by the way, boy, this is no machine youre talkin to
Cant you tell, this is austin, and I still love you

I still love you


 
lame, i know.

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